God help me. I’m not proud of it. But I cannot stop watching "American Idol". I’ve tried so hard to quit. Every year I promise myself that this will be the year I don’t put myself through that misery, and it never sticks. I cannot help but tune in every week to see the cornucopia of bullshit to be perpetrated by these singing monkeys.
I remember being in high school when the show started (hello, dirt? Yes, hi, I’m older than you.) and totally dismissing it. That’s when it would have been totally age appropriate to get into it. But now, as a 26 year old woman? There is no excuse for this type of addiction. I can’t pinpoint when it started, but it is so, so shameful.
The real rub of it is that I don’t even like it. I hate it. All I do when I watch it is complain. So rarely do they put out somebody I could actually be a fan of. I fast forward through half of if, and then my addiction takes hold to make me rewind and watch anyway. It’s practically emotionally damaging. “American Idol” is like an abusive boyfriend to me. I get completely irate whenever they have “themed” weeks geared towards my favorite artists – I have mentally wept all through every Beatles, Rolling Stones, Johnny Cash or Frank Sinatra episode. It’s one thing to do a bad karaoke version of a great song, but these assholes pump out caterwauling death rattles where a once great song stood.
Every now and then, very very rarely, Idol takes pity on me and graces me with a great performance that I can use to rationalize 6 more years of obsessive watching. Adam Lambert’s version of “Mad World,” David Cook’s “Hello” – things like that. Singular events of vocal mastery that are so few and far between they should be viewed as total anomalies. The best I can hope for is a totally desperate train wreck who takes the Baton of Crazy from seasons past and just freaking sprints with it week to week to keep my interest. For example, this season’s Jacob Lusk or Casey Abrams. Naima has displayed impressively monumental crazy every week, but it’s the jerky kind, not the fun kind. The annoying, how-dare-you-who-do-you-think-you-are-trying-this-junk type. Jacob, on the other hand, is fantastic. His desperation shines through every week. He always looks to be on the verge of the most intense crying jag known to man, and I can’t tell if he wants to be Luther Vandross or Whitney Houston more. Although, he didn’t have the decency to wail through “Can You Feel the Love Tonight” on last night’s Elton John episode, which would have been so up his sad little theatrical background, and so, so dramatic. With Casey, my little Yukon Cornelius look alike, I vacillate between being completely enamored with his weird, quirky behavior, and being completely terrified by him.
The show is even worse this season. They’ve taken Simon Cowell away, the only real voice of reason. The only one I could count on to call a fool out on his vocal fuckery week to week. God, I so wish I could hear his comments on some of these contestants this year. I close my eyes and I can just hear his thundering condemnation of Naima’s dancing and fake reggae accent, and Scotty McCreery’s utter inability to stand up straight, hold a microphone like a normal human being, and stop making weird sex faces that are totally inappropriate for a 17 year old on TV. I need somebody to make Haley stop with her stupid angry chihuahua growls. The only ones I truly enjoy from a talent and performance based standard are Paul McDonald (and that’s largely due to the fact that he looks like Charlie Day from “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia”) and James Durbin. But even they make it difficult on me. If Old McDonald wears that damn bedazzled white jacket again I’m voting him off the island, and Durbin just makes me nervous. I would like Pia, she’s a wonderful singer, but she has to be one of the most sinfully boring people to ever be on TV, second only to James Lipton.
I had so hoped that by making Steven Tyler a judge Idol would at least entertain me more, but alas, no. Every now and then he busts out with some incomprehensible crazypants talk, but mostly he just sits around in his lady blouses trying to be prettier than Jennifer Lopez, and, like me, hating his life for being sucked into this utter, despicable nonsense.
Sarcasmo
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Monday, March 21, 2011
I So Win
Of course, I kind of always win. I mean, I’m no Charlie Sheen, but I always win. This particular win, however, is especially impressive.
Not so long ago, I wrote here about how it is impossible to buy my mother gifts that she doesn’t either pick out herself, or just return whenever you look away.
Well insert some clichéd motivational speaker nonsense about achieving the impossible here, because FINALLY, after years of failed and misguided attempts, I’ve DONE IT! All by myself, I've come up with a Monica-proof present that she didn't know she was getting, and that she won’t (read: can’t) return!
Clearly, I have the powers of some type of witchcraft.
Ok, I had some outside assistance, and my sisters chipped in their part. But I am the mastermind behind it all. I am the gift-engineering puppetmaster.
Instead of getting her wine, something for the house, wine, something to wear, something for the yard, or more wine, we created an event for her. On May 15th, mom and her BFF Debbie will be going to see Mamma Mia! at the Sarofim Hall in Houston. Lunch (and, more importantly, a creamy, cheesy dessert) at the Cheesecake Factory is on us as well, via a gift card. We even included cash to valet park at the Hobby Center, and to tip the valet on the way out. I’m very thorough. So mom gets some grown-up time on a day in the city, complete with dinner and a show.
My mom is an exceptional woman. I would totally suck as a human being without her. My powers of wit and witchcraft derive directly from her years of zooming about on her own broom. She’s been through things I can’t even imagine, and manages to still be a great mom, and a real blasty blast to boot. I will never be able to show her how much I truly appreciate her and what she does, and will never be able to find a birthday present magnificent enough to show my gratitude.
The best I can do is give her a day away from her damn kids.
Sarcasmo
Not so long ago, I wrote here about how it is impossible to buy my mother gifts that she doesn’t either pick out herself, or just return whenever you look away.
Well insert some clichéd motivational speaker nonsense about achieving the impossible here, because FINALLY, after years of failed and misguided attempts, I’ve DONE IT! All by myself, I've come up with a Monica-proof present that she didn't know she was getting, and that she won’t (read: can’t) return!
Clearly, I have the powers of some type of witchcraft.
Ok, I had some outside assistance, and my sisters chipped in their part. But I am the mastermind behind it all. I am the gift-engineering puppetmaster.
Instead of getting her wine, something for the house, wine, something to wear, something for the yard, or more wine, we created an event for her. On May 15th, mom and her BFF Debbie will be going to see Mamma Mia! at the Sarofim Hall in Houston. Lunch (and, more importantly, a creamy, cheesy dessert) at the Cheesecake Factory is on us as well, via a gift card. We even included cash to valet park at the Hobby Center, and to tip the valet on the way out. I’m very thorough. So mom gets some grown-up time on a day in the city, complete with dinner and a show.
My mom is an exceptional woman. I would totally suck as a human being without her. My powers of wit and witchcraft derive directly from her years of zooming about on her own broom. She’s been through things I can’t even imagine, and manages to still be a great mom, and a real blasty blast to boot. I will never be able to show her how much I truly appreciate her and what she does, and will never be able to find a birthday present magnificent enough to show my gratitude.
The best I can do is give her a day away from her damn kids.
Sarcasmo
Monday, March 14, 2011
Audience Participation
Stand back . . . I’m going to talk law. I need some assistance, and not just from other attorneys, but from any and all readers.
I’m thinking about writing my thesis paper on the after effects of government takings and condemnations. Just to give you some basic info, there are 2 types of government takings – blight removal, and economic redevelopment. In 2005, a case went before the United States Supreme Court over the condemnation of two homes that were in good shape, had been in a family for years, and were not in crime-driven areas. The homes were taken by the government so that an office park could be built as part of a city-wide plan for economic redevelopment. So, there were two legitimate sides to the story – people lost their homes, but there was a genuine probability that the entire city (which was very economically challenged) would benefit.
There was a huge reaction to this case from the public. People were, to put it simply, pissed. 43 out of 50 states following this case either made statutory changes, or went so far as to make amendments to their respective constitutions to protect their own citizens from a similar outcome. Some of them put harsher restrictions on the use of economic redevelopment takings by the state, and some of them got rid of them altogether. Only Florida, of the 43 states who acted after this case, disallowed both economic redevelopment and blight removal condemnations.
After such a movement against economic redevelopment, there has been more of a turn to blight removal. Here is where the crux of my research will be focused. When the government takes personal property, it must pay the owner fair and just compensation. But when you are in an urban slum, and your property is taken – what are you paid? The fair market value of a slum. What can you do with that kind of money? Buy into another slum. My problem is that government takings function with the purpose of cleaning places up, or making general improvements, but at the end of the day, they only serve to further a continuous circle. A statement from a Supreme Court justice in another case is what really set me off down this road – he talked about how the purpose of condemnation was equality, that no citizens deserve to live in those types of conditions, and thus it falls to the state to take them out of that situation. I found it to be fairly naïve – although people were removed from one slum, they weren’t set up in any way to go anywhere else. Furthermore, it struck me that when most states disallowed economic redevelopment takings, yet still allowed blight removal, it was a shocking statement as to how they valued their own citizens. Effectively, I see that as saying the middle class was worth protecting from governmental takings, but the lowest classes were not. Which may not be so much a reflection on the bill writers as the voting turnout, but still, it’s the effect nonetheless. Even more troubling, as time has progressed, we’ve seen a movement away from the traditional definition of blight. More and more we are seeing properties taken by the government that would not have been called a “blight” in the past, but in the absence of an economic redevelopment option, have been shoe-horned in.
So, here is where you come in, dear reader. I’d appreciate some feedback. Just give me some thoughts. If you want more information, let me know. Respond to something, anything. Pass it on to others. It may spur me on in different directions, or give me new things to think about – I do have 30 pages to fill after all! I’m very interested to see if people share my concerns, or what other views may be. Government takings may be a necessary evil in some circumstances, and may serve genuine public benefits that privatized ownership may not – but on the flip side, there are circumstances where the effects may be troublesome.
Thanks for any feedback you can give!
Sarcasmo
Currently Excited About: not about writing a 30 page paper, that's for damn sure.
I’m thinking about writing my thesis paper on the after effects of government takings and condemnations. Just to give you some basic info, there are 2 types of government takings – blight removal, and economic redevelopment. In 2005, a case went before the United States Supreme Court over the condemnation of two homes that were in good shape, had been in a family for years, and were not in crime-driven areas. The homes were taken by the government so that an office park could be built as part of a city-wide plan for economic redevelopment. So, there were two legitimate sides to the story – people lost their homes, but there was a genuine probability that the entire city (which was very economically challenged) would benefit.
There was a huge reaction to this case from the public. People were, to put it simply, pissed. 43 out of 50 states following this case either made statutory changes, or went so far as to make amendments to their respective constitutions to protect their own citizens from a similar outcome. Some of them put harsher restrictions on the use of economic redevelopment takings by the state, and some of them got rid of them altogether. Only Florida, of the 43 states who acted after this case, disallowed both economic redevelopment and blight removal condemnations.
After such a movement against economic redevelopment, there has been more of a turn to blight removal. Here is where the crux of my research will be focused. When the government takes personal property, it must pay the owner fair and just compensation. But when you are in an urban slum, and your property is taken – what are you paid? The fair market value of a slum. What can you do with that kind of money? Buy into another slum. My problem is that government takings function with the purpose of cleaning places up, or making general improvements, but at the end of the day, they only serve to further a continuous circle. A statement from a Supreme Court justice in another case is what really set me off down this road – he talked about how the purpose of condemnation was equality, that no citizens deserve to live in those types of conditions, and thus it falls to the state to take them out of that situation. I found it to be fairly naïve – although people were removed from one slum, they weren’t set up in any way to go anywhere else. Furthermore, it struck me that when most states disallowed economic redevelopment takings, yet still allowed blight removal, it was a shocking statement as to how they valued their own citizens. Effectively, I see that as saying the middle class was worth protecting from governmental takings, but the lowest classes were not. Which may not be so much a reflection on the bill writers as the voting turnout, but still, it’s the effect nonetheless. Even more troubling, as time has progressed, we’ve seen a movement away from the traditional definition of blight. More and more we are seeing properties taken by the government that would not have been called a “blight” in the past, but in the absence of an economic redevelopment option, have been shoe-horned in.
So, here is where you come in, dear reader. I’d appreciate some feedback. Just give me some thoughts. If you want more information, let me know. Respond to something, anything. Pass it on to others. It may spur me on in different directions, or give me new things to think about – I do have 30 pages to fill after all! I’m very interested to see if people share my concerns, or what other views may be. Government takings may be a necessary evil in some circumstances, and may serve genuine public benefits that privatized ownership may not – but on the flip side, there are circumstances where the effects may be troublesome.
Thanks for any feedback you can give!
Sarcasmo
Currently Excited About: not about writing a 30 page paper, that's for damn sure.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Ready For Her Closeup - Part 2
As I wrote a few weeks ago (you can read the entry here) my youngest sister, Leslie, recently filmed an episode of the TV show "Majesty Outdoors". And now, the time has come! Leslie's episode airs at 12:30 PM this coming Monday, March 14th, on the Versus channel. You can find it on channel 603 if you have DirecTV, and 151 on DishNetwork. Cable watchers, you're on your own to find it.
She was featured today in the El Campo Leader News in an article about her experience - for those of you outside of the Leader News' circulation, you can read the article here.
This means you have 4 days to speak to your satellite or cable provider and gain access to the Versus channel if you don't already have it, and to set up DVR services if your work schedule will prohibit you from watching TV in the middle of the day.
Go on. Do it. Hurry up. I'll check the ratings and find out if you didn't. And you already know I'm armed.
As her sister, I implore you to watch, not only because I'm proud of her and excited for her, but because we'll get to see a giant bird fly at her head and scare the bejeezus out of her. And that's gotta be good.
Sarcasmo
Currently Excited About: I haven't really hidden my feelings about this year of school - I think we all know I pretty much hate it. But I still get spring break. And all you fools with jobs don't. So . . . ha!
She was featured today in the El Campo Leader News in an article about her experience - for those of you outside of the Leader News' circulation, you can read the article here.
This means you have 4 days to speak to your satellite or cable provider and gain access to the Versus channel if you don't already have it, and to set up DVR services if your work schedule will prohibit you from watching TV in the middle of the day.
Go on. Do it. Hurry up. I'll check the ratings and find out if you didn't. And you already know I'm armed.
As her sister, I implore you to watch, not only because I'm proud of her and excited for her, but because we'll get to see a giant bird fly at her head and scare the bejeezus out of her. And that's gotta be good.
Sarcasmo
Currently Excited About: I haven't really hidden my feelings about this year of school - I think we all know I pretty much hate it. But I still get spring break. And all you fools with jobs don't. So . . . ha!
Monday, March 7, 2011
Bang Bang
If you’re very quiet, you will be able to hear a man far far away, in the small town of El Campo, TX, banging his head against the wall and hating his life.
This past weekend, this poor man (his name has been left out for his sanity and protection – we’ll just call him “Tricky”) certified me, as well as several friends and family members, to carry concealed handguns. I have a funny feeling he regrets this already.
Just imagine this class of people he had to teach and who are now running around among you, armed and ready for action:
Really and truly, in all seriousness, I don’t mean to make light of a situation as serious as carrying a deadly weapon. We’re all fully aware of what we’re doing, are all very well trained in handling firearms, and behave in completely safe manners. We all passed the proficiency portion of the test with flying colors. But still. We are who we are. And it was a long, long day in the gun shop, sitting around the conference table, learning the rules for concealed handgun carrying. The dead horse that is the “is that a gun in your pocket?” joke was beaten even harder. We created every possible bizarre crime scene imaginable to ask Tricky when and if we were allowed to shoot somebody, and in what position we should place the body before the police could arrive. Bullets were creatively placed by women shooters on the male body on the proficiency targets. Somebody (not naming who) requested to shoot beer cans instead of a human-shaped target, as she’s really good at that – and upon being told no, managed to completely miss the target and hit a beer can she didn’t even know was there.
OK, that might have been me.
At the end of the day, we all passed, and we all await our licenses (all of which will feature photos taken at 8AM thus resulting in us looking like deranged maniacs who have no business carrying dental floss, let alone guns). As Tricky can attest, don’t mess with any of us – not only are we armed, but we’re all batshit crazy and ready to shoot you in the ass at the smallest provocation.
Sarcasmo
Currently Excited About: Tonight's episode of "House." I know a lot of people gave up on this show, and it gets criticized for being a lot of the same thing all of the time. But I still love it. I may fast-forward through some of the other characters, but I adore Hugh Laurie, and I will never get tired of the acerbic Dr. House. Tonight's episode is supposed to have some Dr. Cuddy dream sequences, picturing House in a number of different scenarios. The preview for the episode showed a top hat-clad House singing a dark, creepy version of "Come On Get Happy" - and it was 6 different types of awesome. Apparently there's a whole musical number involved, choreographed by Mia Michaels (one of the best choreographers in the world, and frequently featured on another of my favorite shows/obsessions, "So You Think You Can Dance." Super, super jazzed to see this business go down.
This past weekend, this poor man (his name has been left out for his sanity and protection – we’ll just call him “Tricky”) certified me, as well as several friends and family members, to carry concealed handguns. I have a funny feeling he regrets this already.
Just imagine this class of people he had to teach and who are now running around among you, armed and ready for action:
- Myself, and I have already explained to you here that I am usually armed to the teeth and usually under the assumption that I am under attack.
- My sister, who during the class, gave my mother a rainbow band-aid for a papercut, and who wants to turn her gun sideways when she uses it, like a Colombian kill shot.
- My mother, who, whenever Tricky asked questions in class about how to respond in different situations, answered every single time with “shoot him in the ass” (even to the questions not involving threats or weapons of any type), and at one point in the day threatened to shoot Tricky himself in the ass. She also joined me in sniffing spent shells during the proficiency part of the test.
- My cousin, who owns more weapons than the gun shop where we held the class, who has mastered the act of drinking like it’s a valued Renaissance art form, and is one of the most badass, toughest women I know.
- A friend of my mother’s, who has to deal with her in a professional capacity on a regular basis, and has hinted that he is carrying the gun for his own protection – from her. After all, she's probably threatened to shoot him in the ass.
- My aforementioned sister’s boyfriend, who has to deal with my sister on a regular basis, and I fear the gun will leave concealment for use either on her or himself the next time she drags him into Sephora to go makeup shopping, or the next time she tries to explain the fine distinctions between different bras and the respective purposes they serve.
- Another friend of my mother’s, who admitted to fully unloading her gun to kill snakes on a regular basis (OK I can’t really blame her for that one).
- My aunt, who spent the day giggling and insinuating that the entire class had been set up as an assassination attempt on my uncle, while Tricky took note of the maniacal glint in her eye.
- Said uncle, who, resigned to his fate, handed his own checkbook over to Tricky to write himself a check to pay for that assassination.
Really and truly, in all seriousness, I don’t mean to make light of a situation as serious as carrying a deadly weapon. We’re all fully aware of what we’re doing, are all very well trained in handling firearms, and behave in completely safe manners. We all passed the proficiency portion of the test with flying colors. But still. We are who we are. And it was a long, long day in the gun shop, sitting around the conference table, learning the rules for concealed handgun carrying. The dead horse that is the “is that a gun in your pocket?” joke was beaten even harder. We created every possible bizarre crime scene imaginable to ask Tricky when and if we were allowed to shoot somebody, and in what position we should place the body before the police could arrive. Bullets were creatively placed by women shooters on the male body on the proficiency targets. Somebody (not naming who) requested to shoot beer cans instead of a human-shaped target, as she’s really good at that – and upon being told no, managed to completely miss the target and hit a beer can she didn’t even know was there.
OK, that might have been me.
At the end of the day, we all passed, and we all await our licenses (all of which will feature photos taken at 8AM thus resulting in us looking like deranged maniacs who have no business carrying dental floss, let alone guns). As Tricky can attest, don’t mess with any of us – not only are we armed, but we’re all batshit crazy and ready to shoot you in the ass at the smallest provocation.
Sarcasmo
Currently Excited About: Tonight's episode of "House." I know a lot of people gave up on this show, and it gets criticized for being a lot of the same thing all of the time. But I still love it. I may fast-forward through some of the other characters, but I adore Hugh Laurie, and I will never get tired of the acerbic Dr. House. Tonight's episode is supposed to have some Dr. Cuddy dream sequences, picturing House in a number of different scenarios. The preview for the episode showed a top hat-clad House singing a dark, creepy version of "Come On Get Happy" - and it was 6 different types of awesome. Apparently there's a whole musical number involved, choreographed by Mia Michaels (one of the best choreographers in the world, and frequently featured on another of my favorite shows/obsessions, "So You Think You Can Dance." Super, super jazzed to see this business go down.
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