What's That Thing About Gift Horses Again?

My mother is the single most difficult human being on God’s green earth to buy gifts for.

She is the type of person that, when she decides she wants or needs something, she just goes and gets it for herself. Which is great, I applaud her for that – but we, her children, who often find ourselves in a position to get her gifts, are totally screwed.

Her tastes are so random, unexpected, and particular, that it makes it almost impossible to figure out a gift that will surprise her, and she will actually want to keep. I pride myself on being someone who pays attention to other people, especially those close to me. I love, LOVE, LOVE to get people awesome presents. I always try to notice what they like and don’t like, and use that information to find the most perfect gift imaginable – like this past Christmas, when I got my middle sister a Jesse and the Rippers concert t-shirt, and she lost her ever-loving mind*. But somehow, with my mom, the math always gets screwed up. The opposite of something she dislikes does not automatically create something she likes. Something very similar to something she likes doesn’t mean she will like it as well. You can see how frustrating this can get.

*If you don’t know who they are, I’m not explaining – A) because you should know already, and B) because you’ll judge.

Sometimes she throws out some wicked wild cards. This weekend she went to Lowe’s and bought a planter that I never, in ten million years as her daughter, even after incredibly specific questions administered through a lie detector test, could have possibly guessed she would like. It’s a delightfully tacky, ethnically-painted frog – I think it’s great, but never would I have picked it for her. The fact that she was so in love with it – even went so far as to affectionately name him Senor and giggle every time she shows him off – completely blew my mind.

The bottom line is, it’s nearly impossible to guess what she likes or wants. Usually the only safe bet, the only way we can have any creative input on her gifts and achieve the ultimate goal of giving her something she didn’t expect and won’t return, is with wine or wine-related paraphernalia. But wine can only get us so far. What normally winds up happening is she tells us specific things that she wants or needs and has managed to restrain herself from buying so that there is something left for us to get her. So we at least have a few options we can get, but any element of surprise is ruined, and we end up with situations like this past Christmas where my sister gave her a gigantic wheeled trash can. Festive, right? If we’re planning to do something to surprise her, it’s best to keep the receipt.

Her birthday is coming up in March. It’s a big birthday that some people would like to force her into celebrating, but lucky for her, she refuses to go to work on her birthday and instead hides like a hibernating gopher. This policy achieves 2 goals: One, nobody can publicly exploit her birthday, and two, she doesn’t have to work on her birthday. I’m 26 and can’t remember her ever being at work on her birthday. My sisters and I are playing a risky, risky (and probably stupid) game this year. In honor of an important birthday, we’ve thought outside the box. We haven’t asked her what she wants. We haven’t just purchased her perfume or anything like that which we already know she likes and just needs to be refilled or replaced. We haven’t asked her to refrain from buying herself things she needs. We came up with this one all on our own. We’ve whispered and plotted for weeks. Outside consultation was brought in to participate and assist. And I think, I think, that this time, finally, we have been able to put together a present that she won’t expect, and will really use and enjoy.

Wish us luck. If we’re wrong, we’re screwed, because it can’t be returned.

Sarcasmo

Currently Excited About: I recently finished reading The Hunger Games trilogy of books by Suzanne Collins. They’re technically young adult level novels, but I really got into them! I think I finished all 3 within a space of 7 or 8 days. They may have been YA, but there was some seriously dramatic, traumatizing stuff going on.  I’m thinking about going back and re-reading already because I tend to get too excited about moving on through an engrossing book to find out what happens, and my comprehension/thoroughness suffers for it. I’m not saying they’re magnificent works of literature, but if you’re looking for a quick, simple, enjoyable read that is dramatic, entertaining, and creative, check these out!