2011: Year in Review . . . or, 2011: You Suck at This.

Some of you may recall that last year, rather than make New Year resolutions, I made a list of demands upon the year 2011.  Some of you may have noticed that I did not do the same this year.  Some of you may be wondering why.

If you fit into that incredibly tiny crossover inside of that Venn diagram, let me tell you why – it’s because 2011 failed in epic fashion.  When it came to the handful of simple requests I made, 2011 completely, totally, enormously blew it.  Please, stroll down memory lane with me as I recall my demands (in blue, taken ver batim from last year's post), and review the many different ways in which 2011 sucked (in red).

Please note that there was no font to represent what can best be described as "shreiking rage" or "howler monkey" . . . so just imagine to the best of your abilities.

I would like a better Dallas Cowboys team. Preferably one without Tony Romo. But if you can find a way for him to get over his dreadful inconsistencies and his tendency to choke masterfully in any high-pressure situation, I will grit my teeth and bear his insufferable presence for the greater good of the team.

Right.  Way to go, Cowboys.  Way to do the exact opposite of what I wanted.

Continuing in the theme of sports, I would like for Drayton McLain and Ed Wade to get their heads out of their respective asses, and start putting together an Astros team that has a chance of staying above .500 (I’m not asking for a division championship off the bat – I can be reasonable). I’m willing to be consulted in an advisory capacity.

Well.  Ed Wade and Drayton McLain are out – which, at first glance, was good news, and at second glance, may actually be an all-out goddamn sporting disaster.  The Astros are moving to the American League – please, aside from revenue from Yankee fans, somebody tell me how this is a good idea.  The Astros can’t function properly in the National League, which is widely regarded as the lesser of the two leagues, and you want to toss them to the American League wolves?

And, AND – please excuse me while I RAGE – the new owners want to change the name.  What the actual fuck, guys.  Billy Doran played for the ASTROS.  Mike Scott and Nolan Ryan played for the ASTROS.  Craig F’ing Biggio played FOR THE ASTROS.  Changing the name might give the team a fresh start but it’s also a giant step away from its history.  A giant step in the wrong direction.  If you ask me.  Which, I assume you did.

I would like the world as a whole to master the ever-so-tricky-and-evasive distinctions between your/you’re, and there/their/they’re. If you can work in an understanding of the difference between plurals, possessives, and plural possessives, that'd be one hell of a bonus.

Fail.  That is all.  Fail.  If anything, MORE people confuse your and you’re, and use apostrophes to make things plural.  God, it makes me so crazy I can’t even function.  Failure on education, failure on humanity, failure on 2011.

I would like to see more big, fun celebrity comebacks. Remember Andrew Keegan? Whatever happened to Jonathan Taylor Thomas (aside from that rumor 5 years or so ago that he’d died)? More Macauley Culkin in 2011, yes? Black Swan already gave Winona Ryder a boost – I’m all for more of her special brand of crazy.

Tim Allen?  Really?  You read this request, and that’s who you decided to boost back?  You suck, 2011.

To make room for these comebacks, several celebrities should gratuitously take a step back. Like, oh, I don’t know, Gwyneth Paltrow maybe? Seth Rogen? Jonah Hill?

JONAH HILL WAS NOMINATED FOR A GODDAMN OSCAR.  There is something so inherently wrong with hearing the words “Oscar nominee Jonah Hill,” which we will now be stuck with for the rest of all forever.  Thanks a bunch, 2011.

I want to see less children being exploited as “musicians.” If you haven’t hit puberty, no record deal. I’m looking at you, Bieber.

I know!  Why don’t we get Justin Bieber to host SNL!

Blarg.

More genius marketing campaigns like Michael C. Hall for Dodge, Robert Downey Jr. for Planters Peanuts and Kyle Chandler for Lays. Yeah, it’s probably beneath them to be pimped out in such a fashion, but I think it’s fun. And Friday Night Lights is ending, and the second Sherlock Holmes movie isn’t coming out forever, so I’ll take them where I can. Besides, it totally works – I will absolutely eat Lays potato chips if Coach Taylor tells me to. How about Johnny Depp for Chiquita Bananas? Hugh Jackman for Frosted Flakes?

Once again, 2011 – Tim Goddamn Allen?  For Campbell’s Soup and Chevrolet?  Two wholesome, American companies went ahead and hired a recovering alcoholic and recovering general screw up?

I would like for somebody to give me a good job. My mother would probably like this too. She’s quite insistent that at some point I have to stop going to school and start contributing to society. I promise I’m qualified. I’m very good.

Fine. 2011 got one right.  Don’t get excited.

The Office should be cancelled. They’re just embarrassing themselves at this point.

So, The Office is not only still on the air, but Steve Carell left, and now Dwight is getting a spinoff?  So basically, you decided to make The Office worse, and then make ANOTHER show to suck?

Good job, 2011.  I have no choice but to believe you are deliberately fucking with me at this point.

Tim Gunn should get a judge’s seat on Project Runway. He’s always right.

Congratulations once again on doing the exact opposite of what I’ve requested!  Instead of giving me a Project Runway with Tim Gunn as judge, you give me a Project Runway with no Tim Gunn at all!  

MTV needs to go away. I won’t go into a rant about how it’s not even about music any more, but for god’s sake, if they’re only going to show TV shows, they don’t even show good ones. Jersey Shore alone is responsible for making the nation at least one degree trashier, and not in a good way. The President of the United States gets asked about Snooki – we are in a handbasket going directly to hell, do not pass Go, and do not collect $200. And do not even get me started on Teen Mom.

I can’t even.  I don’t even have the energy at this point.  Just . . . screw you, 2011.  Screw you.

There you have it, folks.  That’s why I didn’t make any demands on 2012.  I’m afraid of what horrors I would reap.

Sarcasmo