The Unemployment Chronicles

When someone asks the relatively harmless question “What have you been up to lately?” and all you can come up with as a response is that you bought some new underwear . . . stop.  Take a look around.  This that you see?  This is a view dangerously similar to the one from rock bottom.  Best go ahead and grab a shovel.

For the first couple of days, unemployment was fun.  I am a big, big fan of Not Doing A Damn Thing, and I do it well.  I am the MVP of Not Doing A Damn Thing.  But then it got boring.  And then it got sad.  Such is the life of the unemployed. 

We only know what day it is by what shows up on our DVR.  I watched “So You Think You Can Dance” last night, thus, today is Friday.  Our best friend’s name is Netflix.  We have constant headaches, because apartment maintenance only happens during midday hours, when most people are at work or school.  We name our houseplants (my hibiscus, Glenn, says hello, and asks that you don’t judge).  Trips to Target are even more exciting than ever (and not just when it’s to buy new underwear)(and let’s face it . . . they were pretty exciting when you weren’t bored out of your skull).  We Youtube Russell Brand’s rant about the injustice of watching Cops as an unemployed man, and realizing that there are dogs who have jobs while we eat our Froot Loops in front of the TV at 11AM.  We watch reruns all day, hit IMDb when faces look familiar to make sure things aren’t just completely running together, and wind up spending the next couple of hours memorizing the entire film career of Joe Pesci.  (FYI, there were some really cool guest stars on “House” back in the day . . . Jeremy Renner, Tyson Ritter, LL Cool J . . . shame it went down the drain.)  We become so detached from current culture that we think an old guest appearance by LL Cool J is fun.  We go to bed late and sleep late, effectively reversing the idea of a normal day, and become nocturnal pod people who look forward to midnight reruns of “Will and Grace”.  We wear a path to and from the pool and to and from the beer drawer in the fridge like they’re the freaking Oregon Trail. 

I’m pretty confident that everybody in the state of Texas has my resume at this point.  I’ve applied with everyone from tiny one-man criminal defense firms to Exxon.  It’s pretty pathetic at this point.  I haven’t had a single interview.  I can’t even get the time of day to get a rejection letter from most places.  I promise I’m qualified.  I graduated law school in the top 20%, and then went ahead and got another law degree for good measure.  I didn’t have an official internship during law school, but I was terribly busy dealing with that whole “my-dad-suddenly-died” situation, which apparently doesn’t fit anywhere on a resume.  So sue me.  I worked in a District Attorney’s office all through undergrad, and was a research assistant for a professor who is totally willing to sing my praises all through law school.  Maybe that extra degree makes it appear that I am overqualified, and will be too expensive . . . I can promise you that is not the case.  I am past the point where I am looking for a job that “pays well” and will gladly accept one that just “pays.”  So I really don’t understand why I can’t even get a response from a single one of these places.  According to my resume, I have what they’re looking for.  If they choose not to hire me after an interview, that’s fine.  I have no problem with employers hating me as a person, but there’s nothing reprehensible about my resume dammit!

Like I told you, I’m in a pretty pathetic state.  We won’t even get into the issues about month-to-month rent on my apartment and the unholy amount of student loans looming.  I think you get the picture of the swift downward spiral toward rock bottom that I am currently on.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I have "Deadwood" reruns to watch.

Sarcasmo