Before I begin this blog, I’d like to reminisce about an episode of Friends – “The One With Rachel’s Book.” Joey takes a nap in Rachel’s bed (because The Duck ate her face cream, and puked on Joey’s bed and on the couch), and, in doing so, finds a naughty book. The following exchange takes place when Rachel comes home:
Rachel: (slowly turns) “Joey . . . where did you learn that word?”
Joey: “YOU’VE GOT A DIRTY BOOK!”
The best part comes later in the episode, when Joey is dressed up in a bunch of hockey gear, and when Rachel asks what he’s doing, he says he’s dressed as a vicar, because he figures he’s something like a goalie. Anyway, the point of this digression was to point out that Rachel Green read dirty books, therefore, what I did was totally acceptable.
After seeing it in every magazine, seeing it all over the internet on all the blogs, and reading about plans to make it into a movie, I had to see what all the fuss was about – so I read Fifty Shades of Grey. I, who normally have no shame, am embarrassed by my actions. Not because it was so smutty, but because it was genuinely so, so awful.
I have to tell you, I do NOT understand this uproar!
I get that people got into it because it was steamy. Yeah, it’s filthy – so filthy in fact that I praise Jesus that my mother will never read it and see what I have seen. But that’s really all it is! I have no idea how this will get turned into a movie without just flat-out making a porno, because the entire story is sex sex sex. Like, while it may be pretty hot at first, after a while it gets legitimately boring.
And I don’t claim to be some great well-read literary critic – I’ve read just as many garbage books as I have literary classics – but holy shit, this was the most poorly-written piece of crap I have ever muddled through. I am honestly embarrassed for the lady who wrote these books. They make the Twilight series look like goddamn Pride and Prejudice. It is genuinely terrible people. And I’m not even talking about the naughty bits – I am FAR more offended by the actual words written down on paper and the order in which they are used than the topic the words cover, because it is a crime on literature. The audacity this woman must have to call this a book is astounding.
There are PLENTY of dirty books out there. I mean, just check out your grocery store’s checkout lane, am I right? I’ve never picked one of those up, but I have to figure they’re better than Fifty Shades. And dozens of authors, legitimate authors, who write normal books, books that normal people actually read, add naughty elements into their books. You have to know those are better. So I am completely and totally baffled as to why the entire world has lost their collective shit over this book.
In conclusion, you are welcome. I have read Fifty Shades of Grey and shared my shame with you so that you may be saved from it. If you’re into naughty books, that’s cool – I’m not judging for it. But for the love of god, pick up a dirty book that won’t actually make you dumber as you read it.
Sarcasmo
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