Back To The Future

I consider a lot of odd things sometimes.

Stephen Colbert said something recently that made me both laugh and think. I don’t remember exactly how he worded it, but the sentiment is the same – what if, in millions of years, when whatever advanced society (or wasteland) that inhabits the earth excavates and finds remains of our society, they only find the fossil of Jay Leno?

The future excavators would think we were a society of persons with extraordinarily-sized chins. For some unknown reason this may be viewed as a beautiful or useful trait in a million years (perhaps we will be replaced by a superior race of rodents who will overpopulate the earth and need more facial food storage options), or they may laugh and say we look deformed as compared to their modern sense of normalcy. Either way it will totally skew the way they view the humans that were alive during the 21st century.

It makes me shudder to think what else might be mistakenly discovered. I don’t even mean that I worry about their discovery of our pollutant ways, or the killing off of animal species. What if great literature works, like those from Austen, Dickens, and the Brontes, are lost forever, and the first piece of writing found is something awful like Snooki’s recent release, or an unlicensed biography of Mel Gibson? What if wonderful, classic films and TV shows are lost, and they find reels of Girls Next Door, or the entire collection of Jenna Jameson’s pornography work? Masterpieces of modern technology could never be found, and Twinkies and the Slap-Chop could be found in their stead. It even applies to shorter passages of time – I mean, maybe the collective decade of the 80's would like to be known for more than hair bands and slap bracelets.

It also made me think, what are we wrong about? The early human Lucy, who was supposed to be such a magnificent, ground-breaking discovery – what if she was a horrific mutant of her race? Or what if she was just one of her race’s little people, or she had birth defects, or whatever. It’s possible that she really doesn’t tell us anything about mankind’s history.

Sure, I recognize that with everything in life, we take the good with the bad. But jeez, we are setting ourselves up to look like total morons. And, of course, this is all assuming that humans like ourselves won’t be populating the earth at this time, taking our history and technology with us. We could be killed off just like dinosaurs or whatever else, through disease or a meteor or an aerosol-caused hole in the ozone layer (look, when you find a pump hairspray that holds up big Miss Texas hair as well as aerosol, I will gladly switch. I use reusable shopping bags, I try not to use water bottles, and I recycle, so leave me alone). Even if mankind does persist, evolution will surely play its role. Natural selection will play a part, survival of the fittest and all. Although I think that means I have to eat people who think Jay Leno is funny.

Sarcasmo

Currently Excited About:  the Rock of Ages movie currently in the works.  You guys, it's like this Broadway musical was written just for me - the soundtrack is nothing but classic 80's rock songs.  I'm thrilled to death that it's being made into a movie.  It's being done by Adam Shankman, who did Hairspray.  Casting John Travolta aside, I thought he did a great job with that, so I'm looking forward to what he does here.  I've been reading rumors that Tom Cruise is thisclose to being cast as aging 80's sex-god rocker Stacee Jaxx (ladies love him, guys want to be him, and his band hates him).  I don't share the hatred of Tom Cruise many developed after the Oprah and Matt Lauer incidents, and I actually think he would be perfect for this skeevy asshole of a role.  I just want to know if he can sing - Stacee's performances include Bon Jovi's "Wanted: Dead or Alive," "I Want To Know What Love Is" by Foreigner, and "Cum On Feel The Noize" by Quiet Riot.  Shankman damn sure better not cut any of the music, that's what makes this show so brilliant.  The only problem I have so far is that I've also seen rumors that Taylor Swift is being considered for the female lead, Sherrie.  If that goes through, I will shank Shankman, I sweartogod.  No way can she handle Sherrie's songs.  Plus she's annoying as sin.