List of Demands

When a new year rolls around, we are inevitably faced with the discussion of New Year’s Resolutions. I never make any. I know myself too well. I feel like if more people were honest with themselves, they wouldn’t bother giving it a moment’s thought either. I like me. I think I’m pretty great. Sure, if I thought really hard about it, I could make a few adjustments or better myself in a couple of aspects of life – but if I stood up at midnight declared that 2011 would be the Year Of The Better, Thinner, Smarter, Healthier, Wiser, Less Smart-Alecky Jennifer, it would likely be forgotten by me and any witnesses before February rolled around. It’s more a continuous process – I live my life, and if I see an issue, I make an adjustment.

But here’s the thing – even though I don’t think I need to change, I do think a lot of other things do.

Therefore, instead of making resolutions for myself for the year 2011, I’d like to make a few demands on the year in general:

• I would like a better Dallas Cowboys team. Preferably one without Tony Romo. But if you can find a way for him to get over his dreadful inconsistencies and his tendency to choke masterfully in any high-pressure situation, I will grit my teeth and bear his insufferable presence for the greater good of the team.
• Continuing in the theme of sports, I would like for Drayton McLain and Ed Wade to get their heads out of their respective asses, and start putting together an Astros team that has a chance of staying above .500 (I’m not asking for a division championship off the bat – I can be reasonable). I’m willing to be consulted in an advisory capacity.
• I would like the world as a whole to master the ever-so-tricky-and-evasive distinctions between your/you’re, and there/their/they’re.  If you can work in an understanding of the difference between plurals, possessives, and plural possessives, that'd be one hell of a bonus.
• I would like to see more big, fun celebrity comebacks. Remember Andrew Keegan? Whatever happened to Jonathan Taylor Thomas (aside from that rumor 5 years or so ago that he’d died)? More Macauley Culkin in 2011, yes? Black Swan already gave Winona Ryder a boost – I’m all for more of her special brand of crazy.
• To make room for these comebacks, several celebrities should gratuitously take a step back. Like, oh, I don’t know, Gwyneth Paltrow maybe? Seth Rogen? Jonah Hill?
• I want to see less children being exploited as “musicians.” If you haven’t hit puberty, no record deal. I’m looking at you, Bieber.
• Speaking of restrictions on record deals, no deal if you have a name that is spelled with things that aren’t recognized letters, if you wear produce as though it is an actual article of clothing, or you have more glitter than brains. And at some point actual talent should be involved.
• More genius marketing campaigns like Michael C. Hall for Dodge, Robert Downey Jr. for Planters Peanuts and Kyle Chandler for Lays. Yeah, it’s probably beneath them to be pimped out in such a fashion, but I think it’s fun. And Friday Night Lights is ending, and the second Sherlock Holmes movie isn’t coming out forever, so I’ll take them where I can. Besides, it totally works – I will absolutely eat Lays potato chips if Coach Taylor tells me to. How about Johnny Depp for Chiquita Bananas?  Hugh Jackman for Frosted Flakes?
• I would like for somebody to give me a good job. My mother would probably like this too. She’s quite insistent that at some point I have to stop going to school and start contributing to society. I promise I’m qualified. I’m very good.
• If I’m going to move back there, I would like for the collective city of San Antonio to learn how to drive. Austin, so far you’re ok.
• I would like for Evita, Sweeney Todd, Avenue Q, and Rent to go back on tour. Avenue Q and Rent should take as many original cast members as possible. I won’t ask that of Evita and Sweeney Todd . . . but if Patti Lupone and Angela Lansbury are feeling particularly spry, it would be cool.
• The Office should be cancelled. They’re just embarrassing themselves at this point.
• Tim Gunn should get a judge’s seat on Project Runway. He’s always right.
• All forms of leggings and jeggings should be outlawed and destroyed. They aren’t pants. And I don’t care how skinny you are, they don’t look good. Pants, people. Pants.
• MTV needs to go away. I won’t go into a rant about how it’s not even about music any more, but for god’s sake, if they’re only going to show TV shows, they don’t even show good ones. Jersey Shore alone is responsible for making the nation at least one degree trashier, and not in a good way. The President of the United States gets asked about Snooki – we are in a handbasket going directly to hell, do not pass Go, and do not collect $200. And do not even get me started on Teen Mom.

I don't think any of these are unreasonable or unachievable.  Of course I have more demands . . . but that should be a good start. So get to work, 2011.

Sarcasmo

Currently Excited About: Angry Birds. I can’t stop. I think I need Bird rehab. A 12-wing program, if you will.