Like the natural scavenger I am, I hit the after-Christmas sales this week, and I hit them hard. Massive economy rolls of Christmas wrapping paper that don’t have trees, snow, or Santas, and therefore can pass as birthday gift wrap year-round, for $1.25? I’ll take three. All my Christmas cards for next year for $8? Yes please. (And no, it’s not tacky to tell you how cheap my Christmas cards are – you’re just thrilled to death that you get one from me, and double pleased when a suffocating cloud of glitter doesn’t fly out of the envelope when you open it, like some cards.)
I know – this is another one of those posts that starts out one way, and you start to wonder what it has to do with my witty title. “Jennifer,” you’re asking, “what does you being thrifty at after-Christmas sales have to do with bees, or, more curiously, epilepsy?”
Well, I was casually strolling through Target . . . Twas the week after Christmas, and what to my horrified eyes should appear?
Valentine’s Day merchandise.
That’s right. Valen. Tine’s. Day. Shit.
There are several problems with this. One, we JUST finished Christmas. No way am I emotionally stable enough to deal with another holiday. And for that matter, judging by the state your store was in, neither are you, Target. It’s too soon. Stores should realize that it is acceptable for there to be a period of time where no holiday or special occasion is vehemently pimped out on their aisles. Two, Valentine’s Day isn’t even another holiday. It’s a dastardly scheme concocted by Hallmark. Three, it’s not even a good scheme. Valentine’s Day is supposed to be all about love and romance right? Failure. Pink and red don’t even go together. The traditional heart shape isn’t even the shape of a human heart, and a real heart is pretty damn far from being sexy. A gigantic stuffed gorilla that sings “Love Machine” when you rub his tummy doesn’t exactly put a girl in the mood. And four, the whole thing is a gross misrepresentation.
I don’t know much about who St. Valentine was personally, but I’m pretty sure he doesn’t want people having sexy times and trading venereal diseases in his honor. I’m also pretty sure that he, a good Catholic martyr, doesn’t want his name exploited all throughout the mass media and various commercial enterprises immediately from Christmas (the birth of his lord Jesus) until the middle of February.
St. Valentine is the patron saint of happy marriages and engaged couples – OK, I can see how this would lead to a day honoring romance. But he was also was the patron saint of plague victims, epileptics, and bee keepers, and is often depicted as a bishop being beheaded. Buying candy and flowers in honor of a beheaded bishop who honored the plight of bee keepers doesn’t sound so romantic, does it? I’ll let you contemplate how munching on tiny sugar hearts saying “U R Cool” and “Text Me” pays homage to the patron saint of epileptics.
Dumb as it is – that doesn’t mean I won’t go pick up some candy on February 15th when it’s half off.
Sarcasmo
Currently Excited About: Seeing Black Swan, finally. I like Natalie Portman and Vincent Cassel, and I do love a movie about some crazy. And I hear if you look closely, you can see Benjamin Millepied's relationship with his then-live-in girlfriend fall apart at the feet of Natalie Portman. Heh.
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