How Rude

Bret Michaels proposed to his girlfriend on the season finale of his VH1 reality show on Monday.

That selfish sonofabitch.

Sure, she’s put up with him for 16 years. She’s been through 2 kids, countless tours, innumerable classy Poison fans throwing themselves at him, 3 seasons of "Rock of Love", and the litany of health problems that almost took him down this year. She’s either the world’s most patient woman, or a complete and utter moron.

But what about ME? I love Poison. I love Bret post-Poison (and CC – but that’s a different blog for a different day). In fact I have a somewhat unnatural interest in him. It’s part attraction, part nostalgia, part curious fascination; part of me can’t take him seriously, and the other part still wants him to sing to me; part of me wants to peek under the bandana, and part of me just wants to sit quietly and brush his wigs with him.

Bret always said he didn’t want to get married because it would ruin his free-spirited lifestyle. I share those concerns, sir. Now that he’s married, there will surely be no more "Rock of Love". That was a real blasty blast – quality trash TV at its finest. As long as Bret remained unmarried, there was a little hope left that we would be treated with a season 4. Now that he’s engaged and will soon be married, no more can I create nefarious, schematic-intense plots to kidnap him from a San Antonio hospital, should he wind up in one again. No more can I have hope that I will win radio contests to get onto his bus, and stowaway in the bathroom to pop out at an opportune moment. No more hope of stalking him down in whatever random B- or C-list town he’s playing in and laying a trap for his capture, where I would prop up a box on a stick attached to a string, and put some porn inside and watch from a safe distance, holding the other end of the string. I suppose this at least means I can get rid of any gypsy-hooker-tramp clothes I was hoarding just in case.

The proposal didn’t even make good TV! He couldn’t even give me that!! He popped the question on a couch at his house. He didn’t even give her a new ring – he simply reused the (albeit large and impressive) “friendship with mega benefits” ring that she had only moments before taken off and given back to him (again, the woman’s a fool).

Fine, probably marrying the woman is the right thing to do, as a moral human being. I think it’s great that he’s got this wonderful, healthy life. But by doing the right thing by her, he’s ruined most of his appeal for a large segment of his fanbase. Namely, me (and only most of his appeal – let’s be honest, he still wears the shit out of those faded jeans). Now all I’m left with is looking forward to what kind of snazzy bedazzled wedding bandana he’ll strap onto his fancy weave for the actual ceremony. How far we’ve fallen, Bret. It’s like the death of a unicorn. I’ll have to refocus all of my time and effort on John Stamos.

Sarcasmo

Currently Excited About: Going to see WICKED!!! My wonderful friend Kacy got me a ticket for Christmas, and we’re going in February. Definitely one of my favorite musicals. I’ll be playing the bejeezus out of the soundtrack in anticipation between now and then for sure. Extreme levels of excitement here, folks.